Random misgivings

So I needed to go to Cost Co to return a bad gift I got from a work bingo thing. Hanging santa's & reindeer. WTF? So I'm in line @ Cost co and who do I see? Mr. Firefighter him self with a blonde girl in tow. She looked like a girlfriend and acted like a girlfriend. He saw me, hugged me did a quick "hi" and left like Cost co was about to go up in flames. I feel like a whore. He's a cheating SOB.

I am officially single. 100% single. No friends with benefits, no person on hold, no one to call # 3am. I feel lonely but I also feel like I deserve someone who is willing to be there for me and I am finally in the place to be ready to wait for that. A relationship that is worth waiting for. . . awesome.

So I finally had the talk with the firefighter last night and we decided that we were friends with benefits and that I could leave @ anytime for anyone that I felt like. We hooked up and then I couldn't sleep because I was thinking all night. So first thing in the morning I messaged him and let him know that I can't. My feelings get in the way and I deserve someone who will want me completely. He was actually understanding and kind about it. So now I am fully on the market with no one holding me back.

And here I am. . . on a Friday night. *le sigh* So the guy, um firefighter, whatever, who invited me to a party tomorrow night. An "adult" party, I called him yesterday left him a message and have yet to hear back from him. My friend who is only a friend is calling me pet names and telling me sweet nothings. I am getting tired of nothings. I want somethings. I want full promises that are meant to be kept and are kept.

I want and I want and I want. And nothing comes to fruition. I remain. More vigilant, more focused, and hopefully more sure of my self and ready to overcome the many I will face in my path.

Why do people choose to be bitches?? Choose to impart misery and a disgusting attitude unto people??? Grrrr. Fuckin BITCHES!!!!

My X wants us to be friends on facebook. Hell no.

I don't know what is going on anymore. I just know that I have to have faith in myself and my abilities. I should be confidant but I'm not. I don't know why. . . .

I think itunes is following me . . . everytime I freakin pay for 1 song it becomes free within a month. Grrrrrrrr

I'm already offline. As much as I hate being single I hate putting myself out there to people that ask stupid questions even more. "Why are you on here?" "What's going on?" "How are you?"

SERIOUSLY??? WTF?!?!?!

I'm here because it's better than a bar, what is going on is that you apparently would like to fuck me and I'm doing fine why do I have to ask you how you are now?

Fuckin' A.

I'm online again. I dunno, I'm giving this thing my all. We'll see how it goes.

What the FUCK? So my manager called me into her office today to talk about regular stuff then she started talking about what I should do and I shouldn't do. Such a fuckin hypocrite. She goes on about me getting projects and hobbies and that I have to keep myself busy. I do keep myself busy. Then she goes on about how the people I am supposed to be watching feel like I'm watching them and checking up on them. I told her that I'm doing my job and I don't think I am doing anything wrong and she agreed. Then she started talking about me distancing myself from one of the girls I am friends with because the others think I favor her. I treat each one of them the freakin same and don't really make any exceptions but she just continued telling me how to do my job. I do my job, PLUS I do some of her job. I show up, I'm there (before most of the other people!) and I don't have any big problems with staff. I am soooo thinking about quitting. I'm fuckin done.

I was paired with a x-roid freak that is a friend of a friend that has anger/rage problems. I canceled that shit.

So things started up with the firefighter again. He texted me, I texted back. Pictures were sent, things were . . . texted. And just a few days later he texted me for some morning fun :-p I missed him. It's nice and we are supposed to have dinner next week. I'm going to talk to him over dinner about what we are doing and were we are going. . . and we'll just have to take it from there. I don't know what the future holds anymore; the men in my life are confusing. Strange days.

So I deleted the guy I liked from my myspace and my facebook. If he doesn't want to be a part of my life then that is fine. I can go on . . . not too much on the internet dating sites right now. Chemistry.com is pretty bad. I haven't had any good hits @ all. Oh well,

I totally forgot to update about the men. Tattoo boy want's to get together, the firefighter texted me and want's to get together and the guy I was interested never responded to my call & message. Boys are funny. I need me a man. I've started to read "He's just not that into you". I like the book so far. Some of the best quotes:

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time . Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship."

"A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you."

"The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The part part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing."

"He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great."

and one of my favorites

"There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend."

I love my friends. I really do. They're great people. I had a long talk with a friend I haven't talked to in quite a bit yesterday and she is amazing. Such a sweet person and it was nice to talk to someone who supports me and whom I can give support to. It was funny because she was talking about how nice it was that I have all my stuff together . . . and that's how I feel. I feel like I am really starting to my my shit together. It's nice to know that I am on my way to have my life together. Surprise, surprise.

All right. I did what I wanted to do. I went through the week without any . . . distractions. Then I texted the guy I'm interested in and waited. Nothing. Then I called him. Now I called him with advice from my brother to call him. My brother said I should get clarification and that he might not know what is going on. So I called him. No answer. I went along with my day, a little sadder admittedly, but I did. Then he texted me that evening. So I called him. It was an awkward call. He was tired from a bike ride and sounded out of it. He is still busy but might be free Thursday or Friday. I'm supposed to call . . . if I want to. I also started chemistry.com and so far the only ones who are interested in my are not people I would be interested in. So now I am at an impasse. Yet there is a silver lining. I respect myself. I am going to have standards and I want to keep those standards. On the downside, I haven't had sex in about a month. That kind of sucks. Que sera sera.

 I've become resolved. This week is the week. I will not contact any men. If I am not contacted so be it. I deserve to be wanted, to be pursued, and to be treated as a lady. I am a lady. I am not waiting; I am involving myself in my life and putting my needs and wants first and foremost. My first need is to take care of myself and respect myself. Part of respecting myself is honoring that part of my being that needs someone and having the courage to acknowledge that if those that I have involvement with do not meet my standards that means that I will not be involved with them. No more compromises. I do not have to compromise. I can get what I want if I put my mind to it. I have faults . . . I am not a perfect being. I do however believe that there is someone out there for me that believes that I am perfect for them. That is what I am looking for. Perfection in someone else's lives. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am not claiming to be anything other than a person who is capable and who is resolved to get what they want. I believe in fate, karma and the general golden rule. If I am contacted I will be surprised. If I am not, I am going to go looking . . . .

 I don't think he likes me. Just chatted with him online and he didn't ask me what I was up 2. *sigh* Disappointed again. This sucks. Oh well, I'm going away this weekend and I am going to have a fan-fucking-tastic time.

So bad that I found a fake match.com profile for one of the actor's from the tv show "Bones" TJ Thyne. He's hot. And I have serious, SERIOUS doubts he would be on match.com